Coming Out

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, and it has passed by with no comment from me. Not because I wasn't thinking about my beautiful friends and your loved ones, not because you haven't supported me as unconditionally as I have supported you, not because you are somehow or in any way diminished by the crap dominant society throws at you in the guise of proper or expected behavior.

To all of my queer friends, I remember your coming out stories - for some I was there, for some it was already memory, for all it was yet another circumstance you had to navigate with your self in tact. Thank you all for sharing it with me. Your struggles and joy will forever mark me and shape my experience of love. Know that I continue to be inspired by you, even now. Especially now.

I love you all, and honor you. A day late, but no less.

Brand new person

Pearl, my 4 year old, getting out of the tub tonight:
"I feel like a brand new person. Like I've just been born."

Maybe so.

Wish us luck and chill-out vibes

Off to find out more about Pearl's suspicious scalp mole tomorrow. I'm only kind of freaking out, not because this one is probably just as benign as her other one last year, and not because there is also another one much like it near this one, but because of her pattern of suspicious moles. My crazy worried mom brain will not stop thinking about what it means that my own not-even-5yo daughter keeps having things removed or biopsied by professionals who are as worried as I am. It is really a hard night when I have to wonder, even if this one isn't cancer or pre-cancer, will the next one be?

As you can see, I'm having a hard time letting go of my fear. It must be satisfying some need I have right now, but damned if I can figure it out. Please send me chill out vibes so I can be rested tomorrow morning when we drive about 1.5 hours to her appointment. I'll keep everyone posted as I know more.

Love,
Your Mama

Metaphors

We've been watching Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind at our house these last several days. (yes, in a row. Yes, that is a lot of screen time. I know.) The girls had watched it once before and didn't like it - the ohms were too scary, there is some violence with guns, and violent takeover of land, etc. A lot to absorb and process. However, there are many things I love about this and other Miyazaki movies that I am happy to encourage, especially in this movie, the metaphor of being blinded by rage.

Things I love: the ohm as guardians of the forest, making sure humans don't further pollute it; the strong young female lead character, Nausicaa; the questions the movie raises about human control of nature and environment.

Tonight, Lola and I were discussing character motivations. Why, for example, did the two men holding the injured baby ohm want to shoot Nausicaa? Why did one of them say "She flies like the wind. Maybe we shouldn't shoot her"? Which led to questions about why the characters might do something they would not normally do in another circumstance. In this case, we talked about soldiers following orders, and then what an "enemy" is. One soldier refers to her as an enemy because she tries to stop them from making a tragic mistake. Which made me think of what blinds them, what blinds the ohm, what blinds other characters. So I brought that up. I said something like, "There are a lot of characters who seem blinded by something in Nausicaa. The soldier who shoots Nausicaa to stop her, the ohm who are blinded by rage, so much that they would hurt their own baby and ignore Nausicaa." And then Lola got it, I could see in her face applying this concept to the other characters. I continued, "And the other princess, Kushana, what do you think she is blinded by?" Lola thought about it a bit, and replied "Power." And then she asked, "What about Oshitana [don't know if that is really the character name. Can't find it online]? What blinds him?" We silently thought about it, I asked her what she thought, and she answered, "Fear." We talked also of Nausicaa, and if she is blinded by anything. Lola didn't think so. And as she asked me my opinion of other characters, and as I shared a little of what I thought, I really struggled to not laugh with joy! My almost-8 year old was seriously discussing big ideas about a movie we both enjoyed, and I was learning something about her. Not only did I swell with feeling about her ability to get the metaphor and apply it (mom thing), but I was also having an interesting conversation about character motivation and plot.

I love, love, love when we have plenty of time to think about what interests us, but also the time to share it with each other. She also apparently enjoyed this connection with me - after I got up to take care of the dog and Pearl, Lola came right up to me, all love, and squeezed me with all her giant 8-yo self and said "I love you Mom!". Lola and I don't get a lot of feeling the same about things, but she does get how to talk about stories -- what they mean, and what they might mean. This is a gift, and I hold it dear to me as it heals that part of me that really needed that while I was growing up. I dearly hope I can hear her when she asks for what I can't give, and love her for that, too.

Clicking

I've joined the facebook borg, finally. I resisted for a long time, concerned about data mining and the CIA ties with the founders of facebook. So now that I've shown my paranoid freak flag, I surely am enjoying the applications. The old photos of friends, and the photos of old friends are simply wonderful.

And through this new facebook connectivity, I read my friend Carrie's blog, which she was kind enough to link to her facebook update. I usually read it without the facebook reminder, but prompted this time through facebook I found an entry of hers about the virtues of something I've been troubled about for a while: finding the right homeschooling community. My girls attend a weekly meeting of semi-structured activities of a local homeschooling parent co-op. While this has been and continues to be a fun thing for them to do, Chris has to take them because it gets so Loud I go into I-hate-this mode within minutes of being there. Plus, I don't really get along well with any of the parents. We chat, they are fabulous, wholesome people, but I don't truly connect with any of them. Carrie's message of perseverance, of searching until I find a group the kids AND I like has inspired me to reach out in a way I haven't so far.

I've contemplated craigslist notices, homeschooling email group notices, flyers at the library. The text would read something like this:
"Pagan unschooling mom of two children, ages 8 and 4, looking for interesting families to share unstructured play dates and companionship. Rural xxxx/western Wisconsin area, willing to travel for meet-ups. Radical politics, below poverty level, subversive, witty and counter-culture interest a big plus. Must be open-minded."

How do I find the radicals? The not-religiously-conservative? The cultural and gender subversives? The not-necessarily wholesome? I am still thinking about it. But if you know any like-minded folk...

Once I let go of my need to make the situation of our current group work for me, I felt so free. Finally! It has really bugged and paralyzed me socially for years. And feeling free to let that go is utterly different and fun. I can't believe it has taken so long.

Assuming I find a small band of like-minded parents, the girls would still attend their weekly group if they want to. They really enjoy the friendships there, and the activities, sometimes. But this is about me - about meeting my needs. I have to at least try to find people I can click with. It's that important.

So thank you Carrie!

Bad will

We've decided to open a store called Badwill. Hey, the girls wondered if there was a store called Goodwill, why isn't there a store called BADwill? Well, I love that idea.

We'll sell lumps of coal and unsafe toys and banned books. Shoppers will not always feel better when they leave the store; often they will wonder what is the point of life, why bother, how can a benevolent god let such evil happen?

Donations accepted.

Simon Says

I played the hand-held plastic version of this as a child. For hours. Obsessively.

It's still fun!

Simon Says

What's it like outside of linear time?

I've been making mulled wine occasionally over the last week, and I have to say it's very tasty. I use cardamom seeds, whole cloves, cinnamon sticks, and orange peel and whack it all to bits and throw it in to mull with some cheap red wine and honey. Tastes much better at room temperature, and after adding a little brandy.

And I've been mulling around the different-ness of these days between the Solstice and the two weeks after Christmas. Christians celebrate them as Christmas and some the 12 days after Christmas, but I prefer focusing on the changes at hand - loops of the sun, growing dim and returning; the cold hard death of the year and its inevitable return; loss; foolishness; the absence of linear time during sacred or special times of physical transition, such as the death of the year, or the death of one's father.

It is a joy to me that I was disappointed this Christmas. Because of this, Tata recognized my need and has, with his gifting to me each of the 12 days after Christmas, is celebrating the very transitions that make and remake: the world, my self, his own self; complete, of course, with all the accompanying emotions and responsibilities. It's really starting to feel sacred to me, my tears full of salt, my hands full of bread and wine.

correction

Ok, so I unearthed piles of crap and found a few christmas cards. Hooray! Too sorry for myself to find them before, I guess.

My apologies to all you good folks who might have felt pissed that I didn't notice you before.

Love, Kim

Merry

Christmas!

We had fun watching the girls open their gifts, a few of which were from "santa". Now, we don't do Santa - we don't claim he is real or rides a sleigh or has reindeer, etc. But this year both girls decided that they wanted to believe in Santa and pretend that he gives them gifts. So, dutifully, Santa gave them each one gift they really wished for. They were thrilled!

I made everyone personal cards that made them laugh or smile, which was super fun. A Birth Story for Pearl, A Love Letter for Lola, and a Mystical Vacation for Tata. Stick figures decorate every page... my favorite kind of drawing, since I am completely art- and craft-challenged. Plus PJs, clothes, and a writing-time gift for Tata. And despite the craziness of December, with my dad dying and being down there for his funeral, I managed to squeak out mailing cards to loved ones.

Warning: Pity Party Ahead

So I was feeling really good about giving so much this year, spending time making and doing for others. But then the pity party started: not one card. From anyone for any of us. The only gifts for me were a couple shells and a rock from the girls (which of course I appreciate, in a motherly sort of way) and a little hand-written note card from Tata. I also bought myself a couple of food stocking stuffers from "Santa" so I would definitely have something to open... but damn. Not one Christmas/New Year's card from anyone. It sucks that the year has been so sucky for everyone all around, and I have felt that, too. To all of you, in the midst of your own trauma, I am deeply sorry this has been such a hard month.

Today I am thankful that I had the energy to be creative for my loved ones, because that was totally fun. But I really like opening presents...

This afternoon we're off to a sledding party at a friend's house. With all the snow and sleet and ice, it should be a regular olympic luge track! I might bring mulled wine.

Update: Roads too treacherous to travel, and Tata was all ears when I talked about my disappointment. After a bit of talking he said he's going to do 12 days of christmas gifting with me! More than gifts, I feel like he cares about my need this holiday to open a gift.

It's funny, because no other years have I ever cared about whether I get a gift. This year my reaction was about how vulnerable I've felt, especially during this weird and sometimes stressful grieving time. Tata absolutely gets it. And that's why I love him.

Fanfares

So we returned from the events down south with much fanfare. Arriving in Madison we encountered the beginning of a blizzard, which continued through the next day. We left town once the roads were decent enough to travel, going 45 mph on the interstate from Madison to Menomonie. The only drivers were trucks, mostly, and the occasional car. It was exhausting.

And then, coming home around 7pm, we find our house/cat sitter had left flowers, a card, soup and corn bread, and a plowed driveway. Talk about relief.... Such a soulful end to our journeys.

And chaos, of course. Shadow was super happy to be home, and proceeded to eat the cat poop in the litter box when we weren't watching.

And then, the morning after.

Wake up to dog whining to go out, discover she has pooped and peed all over the floor -- the new rug, the carpet, big poops, diarrhea, evacuation city in her little body. And of course the girls had their weekly homeschool group that morning to prepare for, and I had to clean it all up and rush to meet them at the FLC so Chris could go earn a paycheck. So I managed to clean EVERYTHING, and the dog poops again, without warning. Chris cleans that one and I manage to do other things, like drink my coffee. Then my family leaves for FLC and I vacuum the little dried bits of cat litter off the carpet, pack up the dog in the car, and drive 40 minutes with poopy puppy. The kid trade off goes well, but pup doesn't make it all the way home again and poops on her bed in the car. Luckily I could just wrap it up and put it in the trunk and find a place to take her out to poop again. Poor thing healed up a few hours later after two doses of slippery elm paste. We've planned about 53 ways to barricade the bathroom door from the pup so this never, ever happens again.

Today was a vet appointment (not related to the cat poop eating incident), a play date, and a squint-inducing sinus headache all day for me. We are so ready for some down time, trying to find a couple of hours to not do anything and just be home and calm. Maybe Monday.

Finally, I recently burned a scented oil that smelled a little like spices and sweet and cinnamon and other stuff named "horned god altar oil" (made by the witchy folk at Vermorlian). Pearl comes up to me and says "Mmmmm, something smells like mints." Pause. "It makes me want to get married!"

Passed

After a couple hard nights, and the morning after we arrived to see him, my father died this morning, peacefully, among family. I was on my way over to his house from our hotel while he passed.

For any of you in the Belleville area, his funeral will be held at the Renner Funeral Home Monday, with visitation on Sunday afternoon and evening.

Things are kind of crazy, but not awful. The dog is a little bored - as witnessed by her chewing of the hotel bedspread which I'm sure costs at least $500 and which we will of course be responsible for paying replacement costs. Traveling with puppies has its costs....

Please email us if you need more info.

Heading out again

We're headed out of town tomorrow for our trek South. We may or may not make it before Dad dies, we'll see.

He's off all meds except morphine, and they took him off his pacemaker today. He has no kidney function, and his breathing is labored and erratic. He is dying. At least we got to speak to him on the phone today, he was still kind of aware.

I will try to post updates here, or maybe Tata will as needed. If you think it's been a while and you need more info, please email my yahoo account.

Wish us well.

Shadow unveiled

Promised dog pics. Sorry about the dog eye glare.






(Posted as I hear the wall-thumping mice on their interior journeys through the attic. .. Crawl. Thump. Shuffle.)

still going

Dad's still on the decline. Hospice nurse recommended he get his last rites if he was Catholic, which he is.

Lola wants to see him again before he dies, and I think we're going to try. But we can't leave before Monday (we have a legal thing going on) and then we can go.

Ugh. Having that $8000 from the IRS sure would help right now.

rivers

After a few days of decline, Dad is still hanging in there but losing a lot of weight. He's not really eating, and can't really walk anymore, and his giant recliner has been replaced with a hospital bed. My brother has to carry him to the bathroom. He is sad, and tired, and sleeps a lot. He misses me, and asked me to pray for him.

I might be traveling south again soon. If so, I will try to post here before I leave.

He's lost 30 pounds in two weeks. I'm not sure what to expect. I just think of rivers - of time, of life, of water as the universal solvent.

He is 80. I wish him nothing but a peaceful end surrounded by family and a lack of misery. We should all be so lucky.

Puppies take lots of energy. And time.

We have a puppy! Her name is Shadow, and we don't have pics yet. She is a black lab/boxer cross, very cuddly, adorable. Great with the kids, with us, with everyone. We love her. And she is every bit of 4 months old - potty trained, too.
Pics another day, I promise.

I also found a black glittery skull candle on clearance today, I feel so post-Halloween.

Came home from errands/shopping to discover that after a week in the hospital and being discharged yesterday, Dad is going into Hospice care again. At least he's at home and not in a nursing home.

And Tata made a bunch of pierogi filling so we would have them for our big cooking day on Thursday. Wish you were here!

Lola's Magical Garden

Lola is so excited about a number of things today, but the latest is her Magical Garden, made entirely out of her imagination with little plastic interlocking pieces.

The flowers are all magical. Two of the flowers are called pinwheel flowers because they spin. The cube greenhouse contains flowers. The flowers in the four colored square tiles are flowers for courage, truth, excitement and something else she can't quite remember. Next to these flowers, there is a purple glittery magical bridge which has a ladder that comes down in case you fall into the blue, kidney-shaped stream.

One flower even erases bad feelings, as it is actually an eraser.

She wants to share her garden with the whole world! OK, world, enjoy it. :)

waiting... again

Well, the tax credit/refund we've been expecting for weeks has yet again not been sent by the IRS. We have been waiting for this for months and months, it was supposed to be in our account three weeks ago, we got more docs sent in, today was the day... except it's not. We are so broke right now and have such a need for that money that I think I will go crazy waiting for the IRS to get its shit together while we charge even more on our credit card. Waiting for money is crappy.

Oh yes, and the girls and I have to travel south again to help get my parents ready to move in with my brother! Hooray! More after we return.

Neighbors with Problems

Just in time for the full moon tomorrow, the neighbors with problems are moving out. I wish I could say "All right! Hot damn!" but the circumstances are not pleasant. However, no one is injured, the baby is born, and I wish the very best for the woman and her children. That man, however, could feast on the dung of eels forever and I would not feel badly in the least....

And now, off the the rainy Dallas/Viking Brewery Oktoberfest! Wish us dry weather and a fun time!

Truly Fall

It's truly Fall now, and I am just so happy to be part of it. The air turned chilly and the nights cold two days ago; the sky is cloudy and the gusty, prevalent wind has blown many leaves, small twigs and dead branches off the trees. I developed the urge to make bread (it's delicious, btw), and we are contemplating house projects that we can do from inside the house. We made a fire in the firepit to burn old branches and entice the girls to play outside a while longer. The changing weather feels like the best kind of magic: inevitable, gradual, the bridge that links us all to the rest of the world.

bean curl

While removing molded bean plants from my garden, I found this:





Pearl said it was delicious.

Ground Beans

Spent about an hour outside today gathering pods from mature Ground Beans, (wiki image) which grow in profusion around the back edge of the woods right by the house. The more common name for this plant is "Hog Peanut", but is considered pejorative so I don't like to use it. Who knows if it really is pejorative; I'll just err on the side of sensitivity.


Yes, the photo is blurry but it kind of shows the color and shape of the pods.

I intend to cook these (after gathering more this week) with wild rice and mushrooms in a soup. I'll let you know how it goes.

Children who survived the Holocaust

One of the things I love about homeschooling/unschooling is following ideas as they come up in conversation. The latest has been the Holocaust, and Indian boarding schools in the U.S. What makes it challenging is choosing the things to discuss with a 7.5 yo, who happens to have a natural interest in why people do horrible things to each other.

So we read and watched the Diary of Anne Frank, and checked out a book about children taken to Indian boarding schools. Right now we're talking about stories I've pre-read about Jewish children who survived the Holocaust; Lola really wants to konw as much as possible about these children and what they endured. It's difficult because I feel a strong need to censor her consumption of these stories; many are terrible, just terrible, and I don't know what she would end up doing with the information. Her perspective is that if the child in the story lived, it should be OK, right? And I tell her no, there are so many other things that happen to the children and that they witness that are too awful to describe, that I don't know what she would do with that information. I tell her that I think she'll be emotionally ready for these stories in a few years. She is disappointed in my opinion. And honestly I'm feeling torn - that she thinks she's ready and I'm pretty sure she's not. I mean, how do you tell your 7yo daughter that the stories of German Nazi cruelty are not OK for her to read? It is truly a dilemma. Because the more she learns, the more she wants to know. I may cave, and read her all of the stories in the book Survivors that I checked out from the library. But not in front of Pearl, my 4yo.

Wish us luck, talking about (and thankfully not directly experiencing) the Holocaust.

The Blood Show

It was like a horror movie at the bottom of the stairs today.

Our cat, Rose, managed to catch and kill a mouse while we slept peacefully in the bedroom. Amidst our slumbering snores, Rose was expertly throwing about, pouncing on, chasing, and ultimately, ripping apart and beheading said small rodent, splattering blood all over the wall in her intent torture.

I was not really happy to clean this up first thing in the morning. At least I know about the super blood-cleaning powers of peroxide. Don't ask me how I know; some things are better left a mystery.

Neighbors, Part 2

Found this useful, if not entirely updated, site for local farms: local harvest. After searching my area, was surprised to notice way more organic CSA farms in a relative cluster of rural goodness right around here. In fact, one is within walking distance, and another two are within an easy bike ride. And more within 20 minutes in a car. Amazing! And those are the active links...
I really love where we live.

But I don't love our next-door neighbors.

Past-due hugely pregnant neighbor R. was outside yesterday yelling, very upset, screaming at the top of her lungs to be let in, then screams "Help! Help! [desperately] Somebody Please Help Me!" Bloodcurdling screams that echo all around our hills. So loud I could hear them while cooking lunch, making my adrenaline spike. Tata is in the woods marking property lines and hears most of this, gets there soon as he can and I go inside to call 911. I am thinking maybe it's another rabid raccoon, maybe her baby is hurt, who knows?? She is still outside when he gets there (he doesn't go on to the property, creepy silent neighbor dude P. owns a gun and knows how to shoot, and who knows what the fuck kind of argument or whatever is going on), crying, head down in the garage, tells him she is OK and the baby is OK. Turns out she was locked out of her house by boyfriend P., with her sick toddler inside. Something about she wanted to leave with her toddler and P. wouldn't let her take her. When Tata arrives she is still locked out. What a scene. He tells her that if she needs a safe place to go or make a phone call she should come over any time.

Sheriff arrives 20 minutes later, it's all calm and quiet. We don't hear anything or see anything for the rest of the day, and decide to go to the park and out to dinner for a positive change of scenery anyway. Both kids ask, many times, "Why did P. lock R. out of the house?" I wish I knew something to say except "he's a controlling asshole, honey." Now I have no reason at all to like P.

Tata calls their landlord, who is also R's relative, and with whom we are friendly, gives him the synopsis, and tells him we are worried about R. and her daughter's safety. Landlord is awesomely responsive and a nice guy, this is good. We find out from him that R's mom doesn't want to intervene between the two of them (R and P). That's motherly love for you.

Today still-pregnant R. won't look at me when I drive by, but the dude does, gives me a little wave.

I totally hate having neighbors.

Some new links, over there on the right

I will be adding a few new links in the days ahead. Feel free to browse...

Pints o' Beans

We recently got a little upright freezer for the basement and loaded it with all the green bean pint bags I had in our upstairs freezer. To my utter amazement, we had 43 bags in the freezer! So, including the 3 we've already eaten, I froze 46 bags in all. But the plants produced so much more than that... we ate beans for weeks and weeks, gave a big paper grocery bag to our neighbor, a small plastic grocery bag to another neighbor, and served a ton at our party. I am in awe of how easy it was to grow beans and have enough this year. Simply in awe!

Llama llama tastes of llama

We are all listening madly to the Llama Song.

Now you can, too.

Black Squirrels

As mentioned in a comment to the last post, we definitely live in the land of blood-sucking critters! Leeches, ticks, mosquitoes, gnats, deer flies, and much more. However, we also live where the native squirrel is gothic black. That's right, our neighborhood squirrels are Black Squirrels. Their neighbors are little red squirrels. To be honest, the first few times I saw the black squirrels it was a little unnerving - they are awesomely similar to shadows on trees. I imagine this is a successful adaptation to plentiful predators in a dense forest, but coming from areas with no black squirrels it took some getting used to. According to Wikipedia (I know, not always the most accurate), black squirrels are native to North America, having been here pre-European conquest; they are a subgroup of grey squirrels. Sounds plausible, but I don't know how accurate.

How I Spent My Summer

We convinced the girls to get in and sit in a canoe this summer on our most recent camping trip. From Tata's vantage point:

I wish i could post more of them surviving our completely uneventful paddling trip, but because of the tandem, high-pitched screaming on this quiet lake we only managed to take one picture. Nugget Lake also has a thriving leech population.





At our house we have a sweet frog and toad population. There is at least one tree frog that regularly takes naps in our rain gauge. I love this little frog and talk to it a lot when I pass it on my way from the back door to the steps down to the garden during the day. Unfortunately we haven't yet upgraded our digital camera and close-ups are blurry. But you can get a feel for how cute this little frog is here:


I wonder if frogs eat leeches?












And yes, we had a really fun housewarming/40th birthday party a couple weekends ago. There was Border Morris dancing with torches, tons of wonderful comments about the magical, fairy-like atmosphere of our house and the woods into which it is nestled, and good drink. Plus very out-of-town overnight guests. It's been so long since we've had guests I had forgotten what fun it is. So, get on out here and spend the night! The girls would especially find you entertaining.

And FLC begins again tomorrow. None too soon for Mama!

neighbors

Tonight I put Pearl to bed, falling asleep right at the moment the local wood thrushes began their nighttime songs. If you've never heard them, I recommend checking the link. We have at least two in our forested neighborhood.

These are wonderful neighbors. Others include a little tree frog almost killed by our cat; lots of toads and other tree frogs; tons of moths and gnats, carpenter ants, bees (including some honeybees); snails, slugs, tons of spiders and caterpillars, including a White-Marked Tussock Moth caterpillar [check out this great site for a good picture]; a busy family of raccoons, maybe more than one family; a lone bear (haven't seen it yet); and many mice and other small rodents.

And we never go about gardening or hanging out around the house without something long and poky. Our pregnant next-door neighbor was charged by a (probably) rabid and injured raccoon, in broad daylight. She managed to pin its fly-ridden body with a rake and kill it, thankfully. I sincerely hope we never see one.

We also have two neighbors who burn their stinky trash. Said smoke travels directly into our house, onto our clean laundry, and gives some of us headaches. We're working on these neighborly relations, though. You can guess these neighbors don't live in the trees.

more house pics

Round Two.

FROM TOP TO BOTTOM:
The rainwater runway built by the owners, on the side of the house; the curved amphitheater-like back of the house, which prevents the hill from sliding into us; the raised bed gardens also built by the owner, which I hastily threw some seeds into the second or third day after we bought the house; the little hens and chicks nook just out the front door by the wood shed and septic house; the very cute cat house with spiral stairs, which I always hope is not inhabited by a skunk, racoon, or other not-fun animal.

some house pictures

I just took a bunch of pictures of the house and I have a minute or two to add them here, for your pleasure. If I can't get them all in this post, I will post again to make up the difference.

FROM TOP TO BOTTOM: Firepit, front/side deck, back deck (has a sliding glass door on it), one of two driveways -- the uphill one, entry and view of back.

Hope you all can come to the August party to see it all in person!

wiped, not rested

We are an amusing sight: tired, overwhelmed mom typing clickety click on the laptop, looking over at the kids on the couch facing the desktop computer behind me, watching The Princess Bride. We are each in our respective electronic escapes on this day that threatens to continue our unbalanced couple of days.

This morning I got up and made strawberry shortcake while Chris got ready for work earlier than usual. In the process, right after he left, I knocked over a full jar of freshly made coffee. My entire stash of wake up liquid. It went all over the counter, behind the stove, a real mess. The day before I knocked over something else, a watering can full of water left out by Chris on the floor. For us, we knock things over when we are preoccupied. I have been very busy and we have been in the middle of annoying conflicts that seem to suck the energy out of us. More crap with the Chicago family money stuff, and our new neighbors have begun illegally burning their trash, the smoke of which nicely blows right into our house and makes us sick. And today is their housewarming party, which I am not going to, which will probably offend them but I just don't want to bring up the trash burning right now at their party. Yes, I could do it tomorrow and go to the party, but I really just don't want to go. Instead I am nursing my headache and stress with not doing anything, typing, sitting down, with a whiskey and ginger ale. Yep, before dinner.

We tried to go to the local parade for Dairy Days in Prairie Farm this afternoon but it rained off and on (mostly on) right at the start of the parade until the very end. Unwilling to get wet just for the experience, we just drove around in the car.

We still love the house but there is so much to do! There are a few maples in the front that need to be cut down, we found carpenter ants in the walls in two different places, another place where critters have made a hole in the siding above the back door, Lola's room needs a closet, we are deciding on a back up heater for the winter and need to install it this summer, the Saturn is dying and we need a new car, etc. Overwhelmed I am. Tired.

I am done with things not working right, discovering problems to fix, and conflicts that must be resolved. I need some life force, but first I just have to chill for a while. At least the kids can entertain themselves with the movie for a while.

But we just finished buying a little new media, mostly CDs. I finally got my favorite Smiths albums on disc, and the Cure rarities and B sides, and a couple movies to round out our small but growing DVD selection. My most-anticipated is the Mystery Science Theater 3000, the one with Hamlet. Lots of things to enjoy here in the new house.

Oh yeah, and our housewarming/my 40th birthday party is August 15. And Pearl is turning 4 next Saturday. So plan on being here to whoop it up with us! In August we will have Morris dancing with torches, juggling with fire, whip tricks, and maybe some music. Plus great beer and root beer. Watch your email for an invite.

Truck Tomorrow - Helpers Wanted. Or at least, commisseration

We are getting the truck tomorrow and are again feeling craziness. We plan to load everyhting we can until we pass out, and then do it again the next day, unload what we can, pass out, and then unload all the rest Thursday. If you read my occasional blog post and decide that this is indeed the kind of experience you would like to share, we would love to have you join us!

We will have cheese pizza fixins, pasta salad, vegetarian baked beans,maybe even some fruit! All this and more can be yours, oh Beloved Helper.

For me, I m starting to feel burned out. Once the truck is here it will feel so much better. Right?

Closing

We close tomorrow afternoon, walk-through is late morning.

The kids are so nervous and excited, Lola can hardly stand it. They're coming with me to the walk through tomorrow - not my first choice, but Chris has to work so there we are. At least he can take whatever time he needs to do the closing. I think he even has to go back to work after we pay for the home. Gah.

I have managed to arrange electric and phone/internet service, working on our LP account and canceling our old stuff. Mostly done, actually, just a bit more to accomplish.

For those of you who have offered to help us move our crap around, we will be actually hauling the big things in a truck the week of June 14, loading and unloading the 16th and 17th, Tuesday and Weds., maybe even that Thursday, too, depending on how everything goes.

We will be in touch by email and phone about the exact days as we know more ourselves, but please don't be afraid to call us because life is getting utterly crazy.

Oh yes, and I went to see a movie in a theater this last weekend and DAMN was it wonderful! Big pictures, loud sounds, colors, lights, everything. I so need to get out more because I absolutely loved that Star Trek movie. I especially remembered my girlhood crush on Spock...

Useless mindless meanderings

We are closing on the house next week, the 26th. In a week!

All the inspections are done and we're good to go. Now we are packing, sorting, washing all of our dusty clothes and linens that have been in open crates for a year and a half. We have a lot of dust. A LOT.

It's also the height of tick season here and we are trying to keep the ticks out of our stuff. It never fails that I bring in one or two when I hang a load of laundry outside; and when I'm doing three loads a day I have to be vigilant. I find the dryer tends to help dislodge any ticks that feel like they need to be closer to the warm-blooded hairless mammals. Stragglers get the alcohol-filled jelly jar. I feel no remorse.

It's 75 today. I'm wearing a t-shirt with no jacket! It must really be Spring.

And Oh yeah, it's kind of a painful reality, but we legally married a year ago today. Pity us.

Accepted!

Our offer has been accepted, and we are on our way to owning the house. Hooray! I am beyond happy and relieved.

I can email y'all with the link to the house, but I don't want to post it here. Be sure to email us if you would like to see it - I may get to it tonight or tomorrow, but then again I may not. I find that sometimes my nights don't go quite as planned.

I imagine we'll be moving next month. Yikes!!

Counter Offer!

The seller evidently had two offers to buy! So they offered counter offers to both of us. We have until Saturday to respond.

Once we accept the counteroffer, it's just up to them whose money they want, assuming the other buyer also accepts their counteroffer. I am disappointed it wasn't as easy as I figured, but it's up to the gods of housing now.

Keep sending us good housing vibes!!

Because taking care of sick children just isn't enough to do,

We're making an offer on a house. Really!

More details once we are in acceptance stage. Only 2 acres but maybe more in the future....

Cross your fingers for us.

4 months

A friend recently alerted me that it's been quite a while since anything has happened on this blog. Well it's true, life has indeed interrupted my process here.

I have a picture of the girls, though:


Since my last post:
- I returned from my winter tip to my mom's
- We got Chris's share of his dad's estate -- finally
- I took my youngest to the dermatologist for a very suspicious mole on her scalp which we removed and was determined to be beingn
- My maternal grandma died
- I visited and returned from my parents' again
- We are actively looking to buy a house and some land
- I am working on a poem (finally, again!)
- I read Twilight and New Moon
- I craved Coke to drink with whisky
- Lola has restarted gymnastics
- Chris's beard is long enough to put a ponytail holder in!

Hopefully we will have a new house by my 40th birthday this summer -- I plan on having a big old party and you are invited!

cat pee has ammonia. Did you know that?

If you are thinking about pouring undiluted bleach on an intensely gross, 18-inch diameter cat poop and pee spot on a concrete basement floor.... Don't. Heed my advice well - if you don't, you will find, as I did, that the combination produces bubbles like peroxide and an intense horrible feeling in your sinuses. Oh yes, bleach, ammonia.... who would have thought? And don't forget the fans.

On another note, I'm down here for another week, about, and then home if Dad is still stable. Right now we are all just waiting, visiting, eating, trying not to drive each other totally crazy.

See you soon, I hope.

still around

We are still south, some of us. Dad is in a nursing home, receiving care and lightly medicated. Yesterday I thought we would be here a long time, and today I am rethinking that.

We've had more refined sugar than I care to think about, and everyone misses home terribly. Oh for a local library card...

More updates and I promise, more phone calls to all of you who are local.

the end of one man's life

We all survived Yule and Solstice and Christmas and the coming of the new calendar year. But my dad is not going to live long in to this new year. After a kind of lengthy kidney failure he has started hospice care, and will be there for a week or two, we think. I'm coming down with the family in the next couple of days to visit and lovingly hunker down at the end of one man's life.

Mostly I am glad there was no question from anyone in the family about honoring his wishes for hospice care. This is so different than his last hospital stay.

I've been asked to write his obituary. He wants a picture of the girls on his grave.

Wish us well.

If you would like to know more, please email me or call before Thursday morning.

Santa the shaman

We don't "do" Santa around here. This means we don't lie to the children and tell them there is a jolly fat man with a white beard who gives children toys every December 24. We do discuss the story and history (a little) of Santa Claus, and say that since it's so fun to think about Santa it's totally OK to pretend that Santa is real. This is especially nice for my eldest, who is by nature a generously giving person.

We do "do" the Winter Solstice and the secular holiday of Christmas, though (mostly as an excuse for a formal holiday to exchange gifts). I've been scouring books about the Solstice and Christmas in an effort to clarify for myself what I feel is important to me about this time of year, and to help my children decide that as well. To this end, in a most fabulous book called The Winter Solstice: the Sacred Traditions of Christmas, by John Matthews, I found this really beautiful sentitment about Santa and giving and the myth of Santa itself:

"Santa Claus... has his grip on the world axis. His yearly tour steadies us all. Remote, at the top of the world, in a land of eternal snow, he gathers the energy spent in the year's passing. Then he sails like a shaman, off into the solsticial darkness, to re-allocate the power to the world's children.
"It's a promise in Christmas presents that through children and through the seasonal renewal, the world is ever young."
[quoted by Matthews from E.C. Krupp's Beyond the Blue Horizon - which I have not read]

How wonderful to view all the giving and attention we parents and elders share with children at this time of darkness and renewal as part of the renewing of the world, empowering children. This fills me with a joy I can't exactly describe, thinking that gifting is really about giving my children power to renew the world. It certainly changes the role of gifts, and the power of adults to participate in this annual ritual. And if we ever needed to give children the power to renew the world, it is now. Is this not the sacred role of adults, this passing on of power and tradition to the next generations, even as we wane with the passing of the year and the sun, only to again fulfill this promise the following year? It's like a Mystery in the old sense, the ritual sense, and it is to me very, very important.

I'm sure I'll be thinking about this again soon. Maybe more will follow.

Oh My God

I recently discovered Portishead's Third.

It's like the old 80s underground, electronic (some), sonic youth, stereolab, and more! So intense, so quiet, so underneath everything and yet still beautiful and estranged and all about the darkness of stars. There is nothing else I've heard recently that makes me think of it. No wonder it's so damned popular.

All this makes me hopeful about music.

That and Gogol Bordello.

Waiting Again

The good news is that BIL is not getting laid off. The other news is that he is not able to get a loan until after the middle of December. So we wait until January to put our offer on the house, assuming it is still for sale then. The seller's employer is purchasing the house, though, and retaining their RE agent, so at least we know who to talk to.

In other news, Pearl woke up without nursing today! Hooray! And she is interested in how things die, if there is blood, and how they are killed (i.e., by a predator, by a person, etc.). As you might imagine, this makes for interesting conversation.

Dad is not doing so hot, but hanging in there. He and Mom are going to start him on dialysis soon... I don't wish that on anyone for any reason, but as my mom says, it's that or death - with the assumption that death is the absolute worst thing that could happen. And who am I to determine that for anyone else? But I will say this: quality of life is something that you have to be ready for, bad or good. The consequences of our acts of living are many times irreversible, but not always tragic, and certainly not (nor am I arguing that they should be) for the benefit of others. I hope that I can support my parents through this difficult time. And SIL made it through her surgery just fine, which of course takes a lot of worry away from my brother and my parents.

All in all, we are just sitting and waiting for the move. I am decluttering slowly, looking for ways to get rid of stuff now instead of January when it's really cold and with snow. I have gotten anal about budgeting because someone has to do it - and Chris is thankful. Retraining the adults about spending money is more difficult than I imagined. And we are frugal! But frugal as we are, we are not very disciplined about spending; or rather, both of us are not very disciplined about spending. It's not that bad, but breaking in new habits is a challenge.

And this is my 200th post! Lucky you.

Help a Family in Need through Mothering

It's Holiday Helper time again!

Over at the Mothering discussion forums, members (and moms) organize an annual giving program for families in need. Families register with a list of needs, and anyone -- even you! -- who wants to help provide the family with warm clothes, new books, shoes, gas cards, whatever you can give and whatever they need.

Here is the list of families who are already on the list. Usually 200 or more families receive help around the holidays from the generosity of strangers. Helping goes through the end of the year. The families have NO idea who is helping, or what they will get. In this program, when a mom in need registers for the list, it's like someone chose you for their secret admirer and then they all send you things you really need or things that will make your life a little happier. And when you are flat broke and need everything, this usually moves you to tears.

So go to the list and see if you can help, or email me and I'll organize help for a family if you like. But I need help to do that.

money stress

Now BIL might get laid off. We don't have enough money to get us through our gas and non-food purchases this month because Chris worked fewer hours in September. And I had to go to the food pantry today to make sure we had food after tomorrow - because I just won't go into debt to buy food. Ah, the hidden costs of traveling to see my parents... And you don't want to know about the quality of food at the pantry. But at least we aren't going to be hungry. Hooray!

Hopefully it will be a little better next month. But we still can't get some of the things we need for the girls. And, if you have a non-rusty dutch oven you're not using, send it my way, OK? If I had one, I could bake no-knead bread (my wrists are trashed from office and temp work many years ago) and not have to buy it! I hate the teflon factor of bread machines. It's another of those popular but toxic products of this modern life we try to do without.

Hey, I learned today that we make about a third of the income considered poverty level for a family of four. How about that?

And yes, even though we are trying to get the money from Tata's dad's estate, we don't have it yet. We are broke until then, and even then every penny has to go to support the family/house/move/future. I'm not feeling too hopeful, and wondered if I need to be on the christmas gift lists at the local food pantry.

Bleh. Off watch some bad movie or other.

Mad Scrambling

We're all scrambling like mad over here, trying to figure out how to purchase a house and some land. That's right, we're mad scramblers.

So tired of renting, and living in too-small houses. So tired of mildew and mold that seems to be the standard in older homes in Wisconsin, especially those with basements. So tired of worrying about not being able to grow our own food and set up the land for growing medicinals the way we want. It's frustrating to be on the verge of being able to feel more self-sufficient and feeling stopped by circumstance.

So we found a really nice property that is out of our price range. And it is awesome in many. many ways: all appliances included, all two years old; new construction as of 2006; cedar siding; tons of hardwoods and open land; a seasonal creek and a pond; privacy, and beauty. Trying to rustle up some cash, we called all the places possible that provide low-income [which is SO our situation right now] loans and services to home buyers. We more than qualify for everything possible, hooray! Oh, but we want to live outside of the city. AND we want more than 5 acres. The powers that be figure with more than 5 acres we could make the land income-generating, and therefore not need special help to get a cheap, stable loan. I do understand the concept of limited funds going to the most needy, blah blah blah. I've lived my damned life by that mantra for years now. However, my paranoid mind has come to the conclusion that it is dangerous and/or unpleasant for the poor to 1) have too much land, and 2) live outside of the easily-controlled cities and towns. You can argue reasonably with me all day long, and I will agree that organizations have to cap their services somewhere. I will agree. But I am still left with the sinister feeling that the poor shouldn't have too much power, according to the money-lenders of the US.

So there.

Here is the property we really want.

And now we wait for Brother-in-Law to get his shit together and pay Tata his half of the value of their dad's house, which has been sitting in Chicago, rented for several months (almost a year), and for which Chris has received NOTHING in more than a year and half. And which we need in order to secure a small loan to pay the difference with a little extra for infrastucture and installing a wood stove. And which said Brother-in-Law doesn't want to pay the full amount to Chris because the market is so bad now. And which he agreed to pay twice before and never did.

But I'm not going to this bitter, ugly place today so I don't have to feel angry again.

[skipping] La la la, isn't it a nice day? Beautiful fall weather, birds, leaves, wind, etc. You can sing with me!

So join me in our mad scramble, and wish us the best of luck! And if we buy this house, you all can come on up and party with us.

Pearl holding Brutus with Crazy Baby head

You can laugh. It's OK.

Brutus is her rubber chicken. And a fine name for a chicken, it is.

Travels

We're heading down south again, next week. Just the girls and I. we won't be staying too terribly long, but we will get some quality time with the aging (and ailing) grandparents, which Lola is really, really looking forward to. It's taken me by surprise, her relationship with my mom. I am thrilled she loves my mom, and I'm thrilled we live far enough away that I don't have to interact with her all the time. We manage. The downside to our upcoming travels is that it's expensive to travel and I have to do all the driving. The upside is we are getting two hotel stays, one in Madison! And of course, I can't wait to see my parents. As crappy as they have been, they love us and I love them and wish we lived closer.

And I just finished a book called Sorrow in Our Heart: the Life of Tecumseh [or something very like that] by Allan Eckert. Damn if it wasn't the first historical biography that I devoured. The author's style is unusual and nothing short of compelling and addictive. I highly recommend it for anyone who is interested in Native life, Native history, inspiring resistance to Americans and southern Illinois/Kentucky/Ohio history. And if anyone wondered, I think Eckert, the author, is a white guy.

A year from 40 - just about right

For a long while, I have been plagued by an action-stopping sense of shame and guilt at my life’s turning and my body’s changes since having children. I am not proud of this, and wish I had a more solid sense of self and self-care, but I don’t. My children are both intense, very needy people whose physical and emotional needs have been more challenging than I could have dreamed possible. Meeting those needs has been, sometimes, insane. Add all that to my life of little or no adult support with child care (besides Chris, of course), my obstacles have seemed insurmountable.

Until now. I am walking again!

Today the old oak tree I pass when I walk up the hill told me just because it is now, why should it always be this way? And I thought, really, why in the world should it? This body of mine now is only 6 years old - I spent over 13 of my adult years living a very active life, walking and biking and dancing and playing. During this time, I mostly lost weight and gained muscle tone, strength and endurance. Although once I started working full-time at office jobs, the steady increase in muscle tone and weight loss slowed considerably. Even so, why should the last six years overwhelm the bulk of my history? Or my present, for that matter?

Pearl has begun her long trek to independence: she is night-weaned, she is regularly using the potty to pee, and she can go hours without me and not freak out. My mind is letting go of the habits that created my current body and responses to stress. Finally. This has taken a looooooooooong time, and I have suffered for it. But. This last new moon felt so right for changing what I can change that I can truly say I feel the movement where I haven’t before. And with my recent nutritional changes and support I no longer feel the hope of change, but know that it is already happening.

Here is how I think it is happening for me:

Nutritional Supplementation - I was deficient in Vitamin D, and low normal for B12 (deficient, if I lived in Europe or Japan - different standards of health in different countries) which I didn’t know until my doctor ran a blood test. I’m glad she did. Once I started supplementing, my despair lifted and I began to feel hope about everything again. LIttle bits of hope; the change was subtle, but I knew that my self-pitying life was now going to change.

Good Love - my partner is an amazing person who loves me unconditionally, and when I felt ugly and unlovable, he loved me anyway. Yes, I know, of course! But my pitiful self needs all the loving I can get.

Physical Activity - I have been trying to make this happen for years. However, 4 days ago Chris suggested I go for a walk after dinner (to help my feelings of child-related bitter cranky), which implicitly meant that he would deal with whatever awful meltdowns would occur with the kids. I then knew that my life was going to finally, finally change. I witnessed his committment to me and my physical and emotional health, which pretty much pushed me over the edge of believing change was possible. Plus I found a convenient place to walk that involves a very steep hill, with almost no car traffic. I get to hear owls and see cows and eagles and hawks and talk to the trees. Plus I get some decent aerobic activity, as well.

Ritual - This last Virgo New Moon I made plans for a routine of physical activity -- the only way I create new habits -- and ritually let go of the things I no longer need and want.

Partner Commitment - Despite our lack of funds, we are looking for a bicycle trainer, the thing that lets you stand your bike in it and ride while standing still. I have wanted this for years but only now feel like I have to make it happen, no matter what. I know that walking is good, but I need to bike, too. I love my bike! I love biking, and this will help me feel good. There is no way I will ever start regular biking again out here on these crazy hills. This will help get me strong so I can some day bike more.

My body loves to be busy, and truthfully I love walking and biking. Not being able to satisfy my physical needs has been crushing for my sense of self, my self-esteem, and physical comfort. Just doing something to improve my physical well-being and self-care has made an enormous difference in my tolerance levels with the kids, too. I think I can maintain activity over the winter, as well. My plan is to walk during the winter as long as I can, and to be sure and have the bike trainer for the crappy days.

I feel better, and am so glad to be walking again. One day I will also be biking regularly, and the girls will spend more time away from me routinely so I can do stuff mama-speed. And eventually, they will also be more active, and come with me on even more outside adventures without the tremendous whining and gnashing of teeth that currently accompanies any suggestion we go walking during the day.

Please wish us all well. And do let me know if you have a bike trainer that needs a good home.

Skim at 39

Getting a big birthday hug from Lola:

Ideas for My Date?

I’m kind of at a loss.

Chris and I have a date this Thursday - a real date. Friends are watching the kids during the best hours of the day and we don’t have to pick them up until 2:30. Because of the timing, watching a movie at the theater is out, but we can eat lunch somewhere if we want.

But I want to make it special, since we haven’t had a date close to home since before the kids were even born. Over six years ago. Our last date was in Eau Claire a couple months ago, two precious hours while friends there watched the girls. And a lot has happened since then - I feel so much better than I have, we got married and had a party, Pearl has night-weaned, and we both feel like things are changing for us, for the better. Plus I’m officially a year older, as of Sunday.

Our local kid-sitting friends live about 20 minutes from us; theoretically we could come back home and have over 3 hours of silence or shenanigans.But it seems more appropriate to mark the occasion somehow with a special event or thing or ??? I’m just at a loss. Part of the problem is that I haven’t spent any real time thinking about what I would love to do - I mean, the obvious ones are so obvious: food, sex, silence. But what makes it special?

Send your good ideas our way, drop me a comment or email.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I am officially one year from 40.

We are celebrating by eating a breakfast made entirely by Chris, the girls are dusting the house, and Lola gave me an entire Flat Rate Priority Mail box of little presents -- some hand made and some bought -- this morning. Chris bought me a 6 pack of awesome Bourbon Barrel Barleywine (!!!) from a Wisconsin brewery and another hand mixer (??!). Additionally, this morning he is cleaning my car inside and out. And this afternoon, I will eat home-made cherry pie with home-made whipped cream, and visit the Boyceville Cucumber Festival to see the parade. All in all, I feel pretty good!

So happy darned birthday to me, darnit!

a couple of pics

Some recent photos of the girls:

At our wedding party:


At the Wisconsin Ren Faire


Posting these took nearly 20 minutes; I'm done for now.

But I have to say, as far as things over here, all is good. Three cheers for healthy amounts of vitamin D!

I'm glad it's over.

Argh. I just lost a long rant about an unexpected 6 year old guest that left a urine-soaked futon in her wake, discovered only recently - on my youngest's third birthday. Damn! Double damn!

Suffice it to say Lola had a grand time, but her friend's dad was the absolute worst to deal with, planning-wise. For example:
I would have liked to know Friend might pee in her sleep.
I would have liked Friend to be here sometime before 8:00pm for their sleepover and dinner.
I would have liked her to not drink from the just-opened salad dressing bottle, the only one the girls like, the only way they will eat raw broccoli with...
I would have liked Friend's dad to actually know something about her habits and needs.
I would have liked Friend to have better communication skills.
And I would have liked her to actually sleep through the night without needing me to sit with her at 2:30am.

It was not fun for Chris and me at all, and we have so much going on this weekend, including Pearl's birthday today, that I just wasn't ready. And it made me stressed out. But Lola had the best time ever.

So now, with the futon soaked in tea tree oil solution, with a fan drying it close by, I am drinking a Spaten Optimator, going to watch a cheesy action movie with Chris. There, it does get better.

And to make it absolutely clear, Pearl is 3 today!

a quote

"There's been entirely too much independence around this house lately."

- Me

Being Mad

There are times I forget my children are not adults.

Recently, Lola and I are reading another Arthur story, one about Arthur buying a Treat Timer for his dog, Pal, after Arthur has been bombarded by media hype about the Treat Timer. He's seen it on TV! He's seen it on billboards! He's heard the commercials on the radio! Arthur knows all about the TT and has decided Pal must have one. So the book goes on to describe how he raises the money to get one, buys it, puts it together with his parents [which takes 5 hours], and what happens next.

So what happens next? Arthur turns it on and it shoots out treats like little missiles - at the dog of course. Pal runs for cover. Arthur, apparently stunned, goes to his room to sulk.

At this point in the story, I ask Lola what she thinks Arthur must be feeling. I ask, "Do you think he is feeling upset?"
"Yeah."
"I bet he's kind of mad, too," I add.
"Well yeah." Long pause. She looks at me like I should say something.
Confirming the adult sense of outrage at the commercial, corporate model of it all, I guess that "I would be too if I bought something with money that was so hard to earn and then it didn't even work!"

She looks at me like I sprouted another set of ears. "Well, Pal ran away."
Pause.
I finally get where she is at, remember she is only 6, and add, "And Arthur went to all that trouble to set up the Treat Timer, and Pal ran away."
"Yeah, he didn't even eat them!"
Click.
"I see. Arthur went to all that trouble for Pal, as a gift, but Pal didn't even like it! How mad Arthur must have been!"
"Yeah, at Pal!"
Short pause to regroup.
"It does hurt when someone you care about doesn't even seem to want your gift, doesn't it. Poor Arthur. he must have been very disappointed and upset."

Which led to a short discussion about people we know who don't like gifts we've given them. And then we could move on to finish the story.

As much as I really hate the Arthur books, I loved this interaction with my daughter.

Not coming to our party?

We'll just have to drink all that mead without you.

Viking Brewery makes awesome mjod - a honey brackett, really, but tasty stuff. Sorry you have to miss it. Guess we'll just have to drink it for you...

My busy [it's like "my bad", right?]

I've noticed it's been weeks since I've posted. Naughty Mama! But I have good reason - I've been busy.

My eldest has started expensive, long-term, weekly vision therapy appointments to deal with her severe eye teaming and tracking issues. We drive an hour each way to get there. This is, of course, NOT covered by Medicaid.

We're planning our gigantic party, including the beer and root beer. It's Viking Brewery, so you know it's good. I can't wait for the Mjod on tap...

We've started letting our 8 month-old cat outside. She evidently has crazy bad anxiety about our being outside without her. The things she's destroyed in our absence are legion. So we're letting her out with us, which takes more monitoring but makes the girls deliriously happy.

There's been a lot of death around us, by relation. Friends, family. The last one made three, so it should be over for a while, right?

And oh yeah, we're officially married now. As of last night. The full moon was beautiful, the valley foggy, the evening sky lightly colored with the last bits of backlit stripey clouds. All punctuated with the horrible yowls of our kitten, wondering why we went outside without her. Just call me Misses.... or is that Missus? I don't want to know. My mom called me tonight and put the phone to her piano while she played the beginning of the Wedding March. She's cute like that.

And I'm still broke, but focusing on my inner journey, which I think is where I need to be right now. But I wouldn't reject the right thing that paid something... Ahem.

The Well

by Kim Blue


“Never name the well from which you will not drink*,” warns Marion Zimmer Bradley in her classic book, The Mists of Avalon. Never proclaim you won’t ever do some thing, at all or in part, because fate has an uncanny way of bringing you to your luck - good or bad. The well has a way of finding you.

For me, marriage has been that well. For 16 years, my male partner and I have righteously and conscientiously avoided getting legally married. Appalled that a relationship must be approved by the state in order to be legally recognized and valid, no matter the wishes of the individuals; appalled that only men and women may legally marry; appalled that marriage as we know it now has historically been a means to control children, women and women’s property; appalled that the history of marriage as we know it has meant untold suffering for so many; appalled that most everyone we know and have met believes marriage is the only way two people may commit to each other; appalled that so many women marry and change their names because of convention and tradition and so as to not make waves with their husbands and their husband’s family, and that the men support and/or expect this with no change of name in return; appalled that marriage has evolved into a shorthand way to express real relationship, real commitment, real love; appalled that marriage is assumed by most to be a religious convention only; appalled at all these things, including the principle of the thing, we have avoided marriage and all its trappings.

Until now.

Several months ago we found ourselves soon-to-be property owners. For many years we have discussed contracting a family lawyer in order to guarantee all those rights automatically ensured by a $70 marriage application fee and some signatures. And we have bemoaned our lack of rights and fear of family intervention with our children during times of possible crisis because we are not legally married. Our relationship has been tolerated and supported and now loved (though I hesitate to say accepted as right) by my family; my partner’s family is a different story altogether.

Civil rights.
Property rights.
Legal rights.
Financial benefits.

The benefits of legal marriage in this country have finally surpassed our political and ethical values. It has become that well from which we must drink.

I would love to say that we have just gotten over it and are going right ahead and getting married and that’s that. But we - perhaps more so for myself - carry a lot of anger about feeling coerced by societal convention into a contract we don’t personally need in order to feel loved and full and whole, which, of course, is what we really care about most. And carrying these feelings around will in time not only wear me out, but feel really ugly, being unable to find the joy in doing something that protects my family, something that we are doing out of love [for our children and each other’s welfare] and foresight [think social security death benefits]. So in looking for the joy I found that it would feel OK to throw a big party and invite all our friends and family and make a bonfire and work a little love into our lives over something that is really only a piece of paper and a right-handed handshake, an oath of faith in our ability to provide something important to our children and ourselves despite its otherwise ugly and oppressive social and legal trappings.

My parents are thrilled.

My 6 year old daughter wanted to know if I would still love her. If I would have any time for her after the wedding since my partner and I would, in her mind, be spending more time with each other now that we were getting married. If I was going to change my name.

My current friends are a little surprised that I felt so strongly about not getting married. They are all married.

My oldest [unmarried] friends don’t know yet.

It’s scary telling people that we’re getting married. Who am I now that I’ve lovingly and intentionally changed my mind? I found that when I told people about our getting married, I wanted them to comfort me, to say “Kim, I’m so sorry you have to do this, what a drag. But hey, at least you get to have a big party! I’ll be there!” Instead friends and acquaintances say, “Congratulations!” because that’s what you say to someone who is getting married. That’s what I say, anyway.

So we’re busy with the details of a big party out here on our rented land - food, music, parking, etc. It’s nuts how much work it is to plan a big party, but it’s exciting too. We’re looking for a goddess of bureaucracy or contracts, maybe Fides, to put on our party altar with some flowers and other things. We’re thinking of fun things for the kids to do. We’re thinking about how my elderly and sick parents will be able to make it here and be relatively comfortable. The fire. Toilets. Beer. Ritual. Fun. How to enjoy it all and feel the love without alienating everyone with my cranky criticism of everything.

We are fortunate to live in a state where couples may officiate their own weddings. So we are marrying ourselves, and throwing a big party to celebrate our courageousness. Because if doing something you’ve personally reviled for so many years, accepting it as necessary, and celebrating after the fact doesn’t show courage, what does it show? I’m not willing to accept any other interpretation.

From my new perspective of personal strength and courage, I remind myself that in Europe marriage was always and primarily a pagan ritual and civil contract before the Christian Church reluctantly decided to make marriage a sacrament in the 1500s. I remind myself that even though the laws of legal marriage and the marriage traditions of most religions exist to control women and women’s property, I don’t have a partner who’s interested in that, who in fact works hard to demolish societal attitudes and conventions that support and create male-dominated power, who loves me and our children and the world fiercely, and with fierce joy. And I remind myself that just because those who are glad we’re finally doing the “right” thing [for them], we are still ourselves, thinking, questioning, sad and happy at our great fortune. I think, may we always be so lucky.


*quote is from memory, but it’s pretty darned close.

Holy Shit, We're Getting Married

It's true. My next post will be a little essay about that very thing.

If you know me you are invited to our outdoor potluck party on June 7! It's 06-07-08 - that must be numerologically relevant. Someone else can enlighten me.

If you'd like to go, just email me....

xoxo
Your Mama

Tata Blog

Tata has a blog!!!

Check out my sexy honey's writing here: http://tata-23.livejournal.com/

Job Wanted

Know anyone who would hire me to do stuff for them that won't kill my wrists or involve heavy lifting, and that pays $10 per hour or more? I'm desperate and will consider all reasonable offers.

I can edit, write; cook; wash diapers; manage conflict; read quickly; manage three conversations at once, usually without raising my voice; play with dogs; pet cats; sweep; teach; drive; walk; notice things; listen to birds; be quiet; listen; cry; laugh [although that doesn't happen very much any more]; and find flaws in almost any big picture ;) Plus I've been employed for most of my adult life and know how to keep my mouth most of the way shut when I need to. Just don't ask me to lie or eat meat.

Sick but not pathological

So we have all been crappy sick for days. It's been well over a week that no one has had any kind of contagious, wearying, hacking, feverish, or other cold-related symptom(s). And in that time, we've had shitty kitty spayed, discovered her lingering gut issues, and figured out that we are beyond broke and don't really know how we are going to pay for all the stuff that needs to be paid. You know, little things like state and federal taxes. All said, we're not the happiest bunch.

And there are other family issues which should have been business issues a year ago that are just now getting ugly. And that little ambiguity is all I'll say about that.

But the good news is that I no longer feel completely overwhelmed. I must be on the mend, even though day three of 2 hours of sleep [Pearl doesn't really sleep when she has nighttime fevers] looms large this evening. It's almost Spring, the birds are so busy - eagles and hawks and the local blue jays and crows all pairing off and preparing to make more of themselves. The snow has started to melt. There was even a day I went outside without a jacket [!] and wasn't too cold. I suspect I'll be taking Pearl with me on treks on the land out here; we recently had a little adventure on an afternoon I was really too sick to be out but felt sorry for her being cooped up so long.

Oh well. See my next entry for my next request...