Adult Time

Because it's important enough to put into its own post, here it is.

For the first time since I was pregnant, 7+ months ago, I was able to have time alone. Pearl is able to wake a bit and not need me right away if I'm busy or away - she can hang out with Chris and Lola and be OK for 20 or 30 minutes. Amazing!

So Saturday after I put Pearl down for her afternoon nap, I got myself dressed. That's it, just me. My coat, my shoes.

Got in the car by opening one door, and then closing it.

Adjusted and buckled one seat belt.

Started the engine, turned up the music as loudly as I felt I wanted to hear it. And sat for a minute in the quiet.

Drove to the library, singing along with the music, not having a conversation with anyone.

Pulled into the parking lot, took off one seat belt, opened and closed one door, walked without watching for small child.

Opened the building door wide enough and in time for only one person, walked into the library and returned the librarian's greeting, do my business.

Walked back to the car, practically giddy by this point, laughing to myself.

It's sunny, and I feel like an adult again.

It is real!

It took us a week, but Lola is pretty darned good at getting to and using the toilet. Damn, I never thought it would happen.

Yesterday she pooped on the potty! And the first thing she asked was, "When can we go to the Old 400 Depot?" So of course we go there today.

I can take her places now, and not feel so trapped by her elimination issues. (Or my issues with her elimination, perhaps more accurately.)

She even asked to go to the potty first thing this morning. And I tell you, only worrying about one child's diapers is more than enough. Easy, even.

Keep us in your thoughts, and wish us well at our first restaurant visit today.

Success!

Happiness!

Lola has accepted peeing while sitting down on the toilet. No yelling, no hurting, no crying, and very little protest.

For example: As we run up the stairs to the bathroom, enter, start pulling off her pants, she says, "Sometimes we don't make it in time," and I say, "Oh no, you can hold it until you sit down. I don't want to have to clean the floor." And she does hold it! And pees right where she needs to. She appears prety happy, too. We made a paper called "Lola's Potty Art" out of marker, and she gets to put stickers on it every time she pees or poops in the toilet. She loves it! It only took her a couple of times to stop asking for donuts or ice cream or treats after every time she peed.

So, all it took was about a week. Now she hasn't yet learned the pooping thing, but will I'm sure. All your positive wishes must have helped.

Wish us luck.

How do you sit? Day 5

Day 5

Well, Lola has got the bathroom thing down pretty well. She knows when she has to pee, even if she denies it when prompted.

Mama: "Lola I notice that you're walking around fast and not able sit. You haven't peed in a while. That usually means you have to pee. Let's go upstairs to the potty now."
4 Year Old: "NOOO!!!!! I don't have to pee! Noooooo! I don't have to pee or poop!!"

And, sometimes she actually initiates using the bathroom.

Lola, quietly, while standing next to me while I read email: "Sometimes we don't make it to the potty"
Me, dropping evertything: "Let's go now!"

But. She will not sit to pee or poop. This is getting old. And I would like to add the "thud" of poop hitting the floor as one of the things I hope to never hear again after my young children have grown. It's messy this way; I have required her to help clean the floor when she pees. She is still learning, we know, and we have tried logic and explaining how to sit and relax, but nothing has worked. We even resorted to bribes as motivation, my least favorite method, because we are getting very sick of her standing to pee and poop.

At least we aren't washing diapers for her. At least she pees in the bathroom. At least the bathroom is easy to clean. And at least she has stopped being really angry at us. And I do know that one day she will sit. And one day this will all be a dim memory.

Let me know if you have any ideas for helping her learn to sit. Oy.

Day 3 of Potty Learning

It's been three days since we began pushing Lola in earnest about sitting on and using the potty. We've felt she has been ready physically for a long time, but could not wait any longer for her to tell us she wanted to use it. I prefer letting the child tell us when she is ready; it's easier for everyone and no coercion is involved. And you all know how I feel about coercion.

However.

We just had to - for our sanity, for our washing, for our electric bills, for our water bills, for everything. At the end, we were washing diapers twice every day. And honey, if you got no money, that's a lot of non-free water and electricity! Plus the joy of balancing dealing with poop from diapers and entertaining the baby while I'm away in the bathroom dealing with poop. I don't miss it.

But this process is extraordinarily difficult. We are realizing just how emotionally attached Lola has become to her comfort object: diapers. At least today she is not hurting me or Pearl, or doing other things to give her an acceptable outlet for her anger and sadness (yesterday was soooo fun). And she is peeing and pooping in the bathroom. Not on the potty seat, but on the floor. It's a big step! She even initiates bathroom time most of the time. "When are we going upstairs to sit on the potty?"

And the fun part? I get to see her big kid body - all of her legs, the muscles in her behind, the shape of her body unmarred by a big, poofy diaper. I love her kid body, and I didn't know how much I missed it since Chris has taken over bathtime after Pearl's birth. And as difficult as this is for all of us, I know she is willing to keep on with it because she won't pee in her nighttime diaper, even in the morning, even though she could. This, too, shall pass. Next month, it will seem old hat. And next week, hopefully, we will make our first forays into the busy world of strange bathrooms and public places.

Wish all of us love and patience. We all really need it.

Sally Mann

So, it's been a while since I've seen them, but here

http://www.art-forum.org/z_Mann/gallery.htm

is a small collection of American photographer Sally Mann's photographs. These are of her children, and the link is part of a web site of art with nudes. (will edit hyperlink when baby sleeps)

I just love her photos, wish I could meet her children. The expressions, the heat, their beautiful child faces and physical presence. They appear special because you forget they are posed, not candid. Her children helped make those pictures, and I love them.

What is that strange sense of peace?

It's been a while since we had a real winter up here. There was a bit of hard cold in December, early, but nothing challenging since a couple days ago, where the wind chill was -20 or -30F. Seriously, I am crazy because I LOVE the cold weather. My neighbor offered to watch the kids while I ran an errand during this extreme temp, and Ithought, well, why? If I can go, the kids can be dressed warmly enough to hack it, too. After all, unlike me, they were born here! Today, at 19 degrees F at 3:30, it was relatively balmy. Ah, Wisconsin.

Tomorrow is Lola's birthday, and I'm happy to report she is totally excited about wearing underpants and using the potty. There will be some getting used to the whole potty no-diaper thing, but I'm sure it will happen quickly. She's waited long enough so that she can get it without trying too hard, my little perfectionist.

And even though we're really busy doing stuff - cleaning for guests tomorrow, making ice cream, tons of laundry, I am relaxed. Why? Because I had at least a full hour and fifteen minutes of no-crying baby! It took me a while to figure it out, but the total absence of any fussing, crying, yelling or hysterical screaming left me with a strange calm that I am totally enjoying now that she's napping peacefully. I have hope this will happen again. Right?

And have you thought about plastic lately? I have been, and you will see an essay about it in the next issue of mama. Don't forget to buy your back issues from VolumeOne. If you buy them there, I get a bit of $$ and so do they. Support me, support my local arts folks. Spend money, spend money, spend money.... (homage to John Waters pre-movie bit from the Berkeley movie theater right there)

Is It Menomonie?

As I stand in the doorway, sleep deprived from the night before, generally unkempt in my Flying Spaghetti Monster sweatshirt, long underpants, unwashed hair, breakfast getting cold on the table, mushy bag in hand, I wonder:

"What kind of crazy person stops by a relative stranger's house at 8:00 in the morning for an indefinite and uninvited social visit, to give me a bag of Amish bread starter, chatting away, as Chris goes upstairs to shower, and I'm holding baby? With a self-invitation to come by again in the Spring when I start planting our garden?"

Isn't 8:00 kind of early for that? Would you do that? Is this a Menomonie thing?

Intense Baby

So mama's little baby is becoming, uhm, intense.

I think I am beginning to understand, finally, what is meant by "high needs baby".

A fine example: I make dal, it is in my bowl on the table, and I sit down with Pearl on my lap. She is not really eating a lot of food yet, so I don't have a spoon or anything for her set up. As soon as I sit down, she yells hysterically, breaking into a non-breathing sob difficult to describe. I walk her around, wondering what could have provoked this outburst. When she calms down, maybe 2 minutes later, I go back to the table. But before I even sit she cries again. I leave the table, grab a spoon for her, sit down. She is so happy she smiles and shoves the spoon in her mouth. OK.

She insists on being held the vast majority of time. I do this anyway, so not such a big deal.

She needs to walk and play constantly (good thing).

There are no quiet moments of discord. They are all loud, shrieking, screaming, sobbing, crying, fussing, yelling. Quiet to utter despair in 2 seconds, sometimes I can fend it off, sometimes I just have to deal with mad/sad/frustrated baby.

She sleeps for two, 45-minute naps a day. She sometimes won't sleep until 11:00pm, waking up at 7:30. She wakes a lot at night to nurse. She wants to be in the world, RIGHT NOW. On her terms.

And my job is to let that happen. Now, sharing attention with her big sister is proving to be another problem in and of itself. My sensitivity to crying is much higher now, for the better. Some things you just get used to.

Planning ahead, patterns

Funny how February always brings the desire to plan out of the winter for me. This year, this means thinking about planting and our city garden. It also means thinking about my almost-4-year old's potty adventures, as she is moving into toileting and out of diapering. And it might mean car repairs (again...) with our tax refund. And maybe a visit with the grandparents. We'll see.

At any rate, today my knee is swollen and painful. This happens occasionally for no reason I can fathom, a random annoyance that makes stair climbing nearly an Olympic sport with the baby. At least Lola is at homeschool group today and I can rest a bit until they get home.

With my spare brain and quiet time I went over some of the pictures and letters P. sent me about Judy, my birth mom. And again I noticed different things that may not mean anything to you the way they affect me:
Judy died July 22, 1983.
Judy was born Feb. 12.
My first daughter was born Feb. 20, the same day as my adopted dad.
Her little ovum was fertilized (unknowingly) on the anniversary of Chris's mom's death.
Pearl was born on July 18, but her due date was the 22nd.
I started my period around a week or two of Judy's death.

Perhaps it's just my need to find patterns in everything, but it is kind of uncanny, a lot of it. I do feel that time overlaps, and that our ancestors, once dead, don't necessarily decay into just soil; I do believe in a kind of overlap between the living and the dead, and for me, this looks a lot like meaning. Ore perhaps it's like the rock (see issue 4) - if it is meaningful to me, then it does have meaning. Like religion, or spiritual beliefs, or ethics and morals.