Today was really the worst Mama day in many, many months. Certainly the worst since pearl has started trying to communicate with words and signs. And by far the worst day of ear-piercing shrieks.
Friends, it is no laughing matter how much this baby screams and shrieks. Day and night, her shrieks just get louder as she gets older. I thought it was getting easier, but today, any energy I woke up with fled as I tried to wrangle the three of us out the door after breakfast so we could look for a winter coat for Lola (nothing under $40. Who can afford this??), boots, baby pajamas with feet, and other things. I knew it was going to be bad but decided to do it anyway because if I don't do it, I'm stuck at home indoors with a shrieking baby. And have you ever had to hold a yelling, crying, screaming 14 month-old non-walking baby? It literally makes my head hurt.
I'm learning that she is becoming very sensitive physically - to tags in her clothes, to zippers, baggy shirts, long sleeves, hats, socks, you name it. I've had to cut out tags because she screamed so loudly and scratched her neck so adamantly.
I'm learning that if I don't respond to her immediately I get the 5-second mind-numbing shriek.
After we got back from our adventures, baby basically screamed at every transition, every turn of events, every change in attitude or new situation. For example, she just sat in her high chair screaming at dinner: for new food, for more food, for no food, and as she examined the food she was eating. So I took her out of her chair and let her play on the floor. More screaming to be in the chair. More screams to get out. Then, more screaming as I put her in the living room to play while I had a personal meltdown. After 3 stores and trying to keep her busy, by 3:00 I was at my mama wits' end. There was no more. The reserves were empty. Dry. Desert. Feel the hot wind blow now.
Losing it is a terrible feeling. At least I didn't insult her, or hit her, or degrade her, tell her to shut up, or project these feelings of desperation and anger onto Lola. But it sucks to hear yourself raise your own voice to a 14 month-old baby. Not a proud mama moment, for sure.
So, I've learned she can be overstimulated more often and with more intensity than I expected. And that I can expect to take her to one place without too much shrieking, but anymore than that and I'm asking to hear lots of stress-relieving screams at the end of our journey.
This is such a busy baby; she will not accept tuning out the world enough to just let it go by one bit. To her credit, she must be a part of everything, but the world is too much with her. She needs to see it all, touch it, talk to it, try to take it apart, imitate it. If I say the word "yell" or "too loud" she screams. If I become terse with Lola, she screams. If she's bored she screams. If her block rolls just a bit too far she screams. For her, screaming is just another kind of expression. For me, hearing her screams are a direct route to the lone bloody, exposed nerve limply dangling from the once-functioning pit of my sanity. And you think I exaggerate.
I won't say she's smart, rather she's exceptionally busy and insatiably curious AND not independently mobile. This more than anything else probably makes her crazy and contributes to her need to shriek and yell and scream a lot. Pray (or whatever you do) for walking ASAP, friends. I think we all need it.
