A year from 40 - just about right
For a long while, I have been plagued by an action-stopping sense of shame and guilt at my life’s turning and my body’s changes since having children. I am not proud of this, and wish I had a more solid sense of self and self-care, but I don’t. My children are both intense, very needy people whose physical and emotional needs have been more challenging than I could have dreamed possible. Meeting those needs has been, sometimes, insane. Add all that to my life of little or no adult support with child care (besides Chris, of course), my obstacles have seemed insurmountable.
Until now. I am walking again!
Today the old oak tree I pass when I walk up the hill told me just because it is now, why should it always be this way? And I thought, really, why in the world should it? This body of mine now is only 6 years old - I spent over 13 of my adult years living a very active life, walking and biking and dancing and playing. During this time, I mostly lost weight and gained muscle tone, strength and endurance. Although once I started working full-time at office jobs, the steady increase in muscle tone and weight loss slowed considerably. Even so, why should the last six years overwhelm the bulk of my history? Or my present, for that matter?
Pearl has begun her long trek to independence: she is night-weaned, she is regularly using the potty to pee, and she can go hours without me and not freak out. My mind is letting go of the habits that created my current body and responses to stress. Finally. This has taken a looooooooooong time, and I have suffered for it. But. This last new moon felt so right for changing what I can change that I can truly say I feel the movement where I haven’t before. And with my recent nutritional changes and support I no longer feel the hope of change, but know that it is already happening.
Here is how I think it is happening for me:
Nutritional Supplementation - I was deficient in Vitamin D, and low normal for B12 (deficient, if I lived in Europe or Japan - different standards of health in different countries) which I didn’t know until my doctor ran a blood test. I’m glad she did. Once I started supplementing, my despair lifted and I began to feel hope about everything again. LIttle bits of hope; the change was subtle, but I knew that my self-pitying life was now going to change.
Good Love - my partner is an amazing person who loves me unconditionally, and when I felt ugly and unlovable, he loved me anyway. Yes, I know, of course! But my pitiful self needs all the loving I can get.
Physical Activity - I have been trying to make this happen for years. However, 4 days ago Chris suggested I go for a walk after dinner (to help my feelings of child-related bitter cranky), which implicitly meant that he would deal with whatever awful meltdowns would occur with the kids. I then knew that my life was going to finally, finally change. I witnessed his committment to me and my physical and emotional health, which pretty much pushed me over the edge of believing change was possible. Plus I found a convenient place to walk that involves a very steep hill, with almost no car traffic. I get to hear owls and see cows and eagles and hawks and talk to the trees. Plus I get some decent aerobic activity, as well.
Ritual - This last Virgo New Moon I made plans for a routine of physical activity -- the only way I create new habits -- and ritually let go of the things I no longer need and want.
Partner Commitment - Despite our lack of funds, we are looking for a bicycle trainer, the thing that lets you stand your bike in it and ride while standing still. I have wanted this for years but only now feel like I have to make it happen, no matter what. I know that walking is good, but I need to bike, too. I love my bike! I love biking, and this will help me feel good. There is no way I will ever start regular biking again out here on these crazy hills. This will help get me strong so I can some day bike more.
My body loves to be busy, and truthfully I love walking and biking. Not being able to satisfy my physical needs has been crushing for my sense of self, my self-esteem, and physical comfort. Just doing something to improve my physical well-being and self-care has made an enormous difference in my tolerance levels with the kids, too. I think I can maintain activity over the winter, as well. My plan is to walk during the winter as long as I can, and to be sure and have the bike trainer for the crappy days.
I feel better, and am so glad to be walking again. One day I will also be biking regularly, and the girls will spend more time away from me routinely so I can do stuff mama-speed. And eventually, they will also be more active, and come with me on even more outside adventures without the tremendous whining and gnashing of teeth that currently accompanies any suggestion we go walking during the day.
Please wish us all well. And do let me know if you have a bike trainer that needs a good home.
Until now. I am walking again!
Today the old oak tree I pass when I walk up the hill told me just because it is now, why should it always be this way? And I thought, really, why in the world should it? This body of mine now is only 6 years old - I spent over 13 of my adult years living a very active life, walking and biking and dancing and playing. During this time, I mostly lost weight and gained muscle tone, strength and endurance. Although once I started working full-time at office jobs, the steady increase in muscle tone and weight loss slowed considerably. Even so, why should the last six years overwhelm the bulk of my history? Or my present, for that matter?
Pearl has begun her long trek to independence: she is night-weaned, she is regularly using the potty to pee, and she can go hours without me and not freak out. My mind is letting go of the habits that created my current body and responses to stress. Finally. This has taken a looooooooooong time, and I have suffered for it. But. This last new moon felt so right for changing what I can change that I can truly say I feel the movement where I haven’t before. And with my recent nutritional changes and support I no longer feel the hope of change, but know that it is already happening.
Here is how I think it is happening for me:
Nutritional Supplementation - I was deficient in Vitamin D, and low normal for B12 (deficient, if I lived in Europe or Japan - different standards of health in different countries) which I didn’t know until my doctor ran a blood test. I’m glad she did. Once I started supplementing, my despair lifted and I began to feel hope about everything again. LIttle bits of hope; the change was subtle, but I knew that my self-pitying life was now going to change.
Good Love - my partner is an amazing person who loves me unconditionally, and when I felt ugly and unlovable, he loved me anyway. Yes, I know, of course! But my pitiful self needs all the loving I can get.
Physical Activity - I have been trying to make this happen for years. However, 4 days ago Chris suggested I go for a walk after dinner (to help my feelings of child-related bitter cranky), which implicitly meant that he would deal with whatever awful meltdowns would occur with the kids. I then knew that my life was going to finally, finally change. I witnessed his committment to me and my physical and emotional health, which pretty much pushed me over the edge of believing change was possible. Plus I found a convenient place to walk that involves a very steep hill, with almost no car traffic. I get to hear owls and see cows and eagles and hawks and talk to the trees. Plus I get some decent aerobic activity, as well.
Ritual - This last Virgo New Moon I made plans for a routine of physical activity -- the only way I create new habits -- and ritually let go of the things I no longer need and want.
Partner Commitment - Despite our lack of funds, we are looking for a bicycle trainer, the thing that lets you stand your bike in it and ride while standing still. I have wanted this for years but only now feel like I have to make it happen, no matter what. I know that walking is good, but I need to bike, too. I love my bike! I love biking, and this will help me feel good. There is no way I will ever start regular biking again out here on these crazy hills. This will help get me strong so I can some day bike more.
My body loves to be busy, and truthfully I love walking and biking. Not being able to satisfy my physical needs has been crushing for my sense of self, my self-esteem, and physical comfort. Just doing something to improve my physical well-being and self-care has made an enormous difference in my tolerance levels with the kids, too. I think I can maintain activity over the winter, as well. My plan is to walk during the winter as long as I can, and to be sure and have the bike trainer for the crappy days.
I feel better, and am so glad to be walking again. One day I will also be biking regularly, and the girls will spend more time away from me routinely so I can do stuff mama-speed. And eventually, they will also be more active, and come with me on even more outside adventures without the tremendous whining and gnashing of teeth that currently accompanies any suggestion we go walking during the day.
Please wish us all well. And do let me know if you have a bike trainer that needs a good home.
posted by Skim @ 5:49 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home