Shake it, baby

It feels like a million years since my last post, but I'm still here in the midst of family. The kids are all finally free of sickness (knock on wood), Chris is still working too much, and I'm still not sleeping enough. However - we have a beautiful crock pot given to us by a dear friend, we have a little extra money, and I'm working on visualizing big dreams for the coming year. There must be room for my writing in there somewhere, but so far I haven't found it.

The rains have come, and the snow is almost completely melted. We're fast approaching mud season, the season of dreary skies and cranky children and mamas tired of cleaning things. But I hear there are crocuses in Eau Claire, sprouting already, green buds from the cold ground. I see leaf buds on the trees outside our bedroom window. I feel myself growing out of our house, wishing for a real plot to garden in, without next door neighbors, without all those other messy humans getting in my way, stealing my oxygen [name that reference!], walking through our yard, oblivious to our need for privacy. I also feel the need for more mama nurture time, things I can do to feel more energy, that replenish my well. I'm trying - but it's difficult when I have no one but Chris close by to offer the kind of relief I need.

One of the things I'm planning for this year is a close by mama friend. Someone who shares enough parenting and personal values that we can have interesting discussion and share childcare occasionally. Someone whose children get along with my children, whose ideas about the world don't include supporting the state-sanctioned killing of complete strangers half a world away, who's confident in her child raising choices, who can take my kind of opinionated, compassionate sass as well as give it back, who appreciates John Waters almost as much as I do, who enjoys South Park and Prodigal Summer. Someone who can teach me what I need to know about myself and parenting. Helloooooo....... If you are out there, I will find you! Bwahahahahahaha!

The trees are ready to grow. The grass has emerged. Heck, we heard thunder last night! It is time to shake the dew from this lily, baby.

tides

It appears that the tides in my life are ready to change. At least, it feels that way. And if it feels that way, it probably will, no?

Money, as always, leads everything. We just paid off the car with our refund check. Barring other emergencies, we'll have a bit left over for savings. !!

Chris just got a promotion to manager. This means $2 more per hour, and since he's co-managing, he won't have to work tons of crappy shifts. It does mean his brain will be fuller, but not to overflowing. This means a little extra for us after our food stamps decrease and our rent increases. having a little less debt helps tremendously.

And I'm trying to cultivate gratitude, or at least recognizing where the love is by loving what I have and who is with me. It's kind of like hiking on a paved trail - it's not exactly natural, but the trees and bushes and river around it still support life.

The next issue of mama is on its way, but not done yet. It may not even be done until May, but whatever. I'm letting that go.

My seeds came yesterday, too! Ooooh, thinking about dirt and green and seedlings is soul-enriching. I can barely wait to bring everyone outside, turn the soil, pull last year's plants, get it all going on. And buy the fencing to keep those damned rabbits and deer out of my beans.

And my folks are coming to visit Thursday. Wish us all peace and luck.

Milk Bank!

Hey, in Wisconsin there is finally a group collecting human milk for mamas and babies who need it! Hooray!

They collect the milk and send it to Ohio where it's treated and distributed. Check it out.

http://www.mothersmilkwisconsin.org/

Snow

Well, we're getting over a foot of snow. Damn, it's about time! Lots of wind, lots of snow, lots of getting children dressed again and again and again...

Yesterday Chris and I celebrated our 14th anniversary of being partners in crime, or at least in sin. And from two different people I realized that the rut I'm in is just that - a rut. At some point I just got too tired to try doing house stuff differently, of making noise, of doing the tyhings that would normally make my intense baby cranky and more work. I got into the habit of doing things in order to prevent more work on my part, of expending more energy than necessary, since my energy reserves have just about been depleted, and Chris isn't around enough for me to replenish them with him. And the things I normally do to feel human aren't/haven't been possible. It's like a mean-spirited cycle: I'm tired, get into the rut, babes get cranky, I get crankier, I get even more tired, babes get cranky, no replenishing, I'm tired, in the rut, no relief. No reserves=no change=no replenishing the reserves. Etc. As fun as it is to wallow in my own misery, I know that without changing small things in order to change big things that I will always feel tired and drained.

This is the hard mama way, no? To put your whole self into taking care of the family/house/self, and to find that there really isn't enough, that the well itself runs dry and your task as mama is to turn the blood from those stones into clean drinking water. Somehow, that's what I do. That's what we all do.

So I'd like to say that it's over for good, but I know myself well enough to know that this just isn't the case. But we're starting to plan our first camping trip, and I am thinking about perennials for the front of the house, and how we will do what we all need to do to feel happy and healthy. Because there's a lot on the horizon that seems like it is going to take a lot more of what we've been giving, and taking good care of all of us requires a deep, nourishing well. Or at least a thorough knowledge of the local edible succulents.

I used to want that t-shirt that states "I Make Milk. What's Your Super Power?" but now I'm thinking I need something along the lines of miracle making, the skills that simply transcend power and creep into the realm of magic, the alchemy of turning not just elements into gold, but elemental chaos into humans from the blood in stone. This, mamas, is the real direction of our will - that which started with creating people and evolves into making ourselves.

Maybe the snow storm is exactly what I needed to change this mama into me.

Damn!

Since I'm nursing right now, this will be short.

Pearl did not really get pink eye. It morphed into something else, which she is today mostly better from. The mysterious fever...

And our idler pully, which we had replaced last year, was replaced poorly. We had the dealer look at it since it was still squeaking, and Chris just called to tell me that it caused a lot of damage, and $800/5 hours of repair. Ugh! We put money aside to fix it, but not that much. I think the dealer is working something out with Chris now, who is out there with Lola. At least we have a credit card. Damn! We will so be calling the local shop who fucked up our car to talk with them about compensation for their shitty repair work.

The plus side is that at least it's getting fixed right, and we won't have a disaster on the highway somewhere.

Fever

Sleep-deprived, feverish baby.

Very cranky 4 yo.

Tired, sleep-deprived mama.

Working Tata.

Is it over yet?

Conjunctivitis

Because the stress around here just wasn't enough, Pearl has developed pink eye.

Sleep is for the wicked, apparently.

We're treating with breastmilk, chamomile, and eyebright. Let's hope it doesn't get too bad. Or else I'll have to share my tales of gooey woe with you all. Bwahahahahahahaha!