Snow

Well, we're getting over a foot of snow. Damn, it's about time! Lots of wind, lots of snow, lots of getting children dressed again and again and again...

Yesterday Chris and I celebrated our 14th anniversary of being partners in crime, or at least in sin. And from two different people I realized that the rut I'm in is just that - a rut. At some point I just got too tired to try doing house stuff differently, of making noise, of doing the tyhings that would normally make my intense baby cranky and more work. I got into the habit of doing things in order to prevent more work on my part, of expending more energy than necessary, since my energy reserves have just about been depleted, and Chris isn't around enough for me to replenish them with him. And the things I normally do to feel human aren't/haven't been possible. It's like a mean-spirited cycle: I'm tired, get into the rut, babes get cranky, I get crankier, I get even more tired, babes get cranky, no replenishing, I'm tired, in the rut, no relief. No reserves=no change=no replenishing the reserves. Etc. As fun as it is to wallow in my own misery, I know that without changing small things in order to change big things that I will always feel tired and drained.

This is the hard mama way, no? To put your whole self into taking care of the family/house/self, and to find that there really isn't enough, that the well itself runs dry and your task as mama is to turn the blood from those stones into clean drinking water. Somehow, that's what I do. That's what we all do.

So I'd like to say that it's over for good, but I know myself well enough to know that this just isn't the case. But we're starting to plan our first camping trip, and I am thinking about perennials for the front of the house, and how we will do what we all need to do to feel happy and healthy. Because there's a lot on the horizon that seems like it is going to take a lot more of what we've been giving, and taking good care of all of us requires a deep, nourishing well. Or at least a thorough knowledge of the local edible succulents.

I used to want that t-shirt that states "I Make Milk. What's Your Super Power?" but now I'm thinking I need something along the lines of miracle making, the skills that simply transcend power and creep into the realm of magic, the alchemy of turning not just elements into gold, but elemental chaos into humans from the blood in stone. This, mamas, is the real direction of our will - that which started with creating people and evolves into making ourselves.

Maybe the snow storm is exactly what I needed to change this mama into me.